December 06, 2018 at 11:06AM
Modern dating is a hellscape and no one can convince me otherwise. There’s a reason that I’ve been in several non-relationships, encountered more fuccbois than any person should have to stomach, and have an arsenal of excuses to leave a date at a moment’s notice. It’s because dating in 2018 is like being trapped in an escape room game, except all of the clues also electrocute you.
Yet my smug, coupled-up friends love to say things like “it can’t be that bad” or “have you tried a dating app?” and basically try to gaslight me into believing that I’m wrong and dating is completely normal and fun.
Well today I am (finally) vindicated. Tinder just released its 2018 year in review report (or as they called it, “The Year in Swipe”) and it confirms everything I already knew: Online dating is a waking nightmare.
Let’s talk specifics on what made exactly the States’ year in swipe so horrifying. It starts with the most popular TV show among users, Friends. Everyone has their own dating red flags and dealbreakers and I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that being a Friends fanatic is mine. Any reference to the show on someone’s profile is an immediate swipe left for me—it’s the world’s easiest dating litmus test. Who wants to date someone who clearly has terrible taste in TV?
The second red flag in this report is also Friends-related. The most-used emoji among US Tinder users is one of Joey going “How you doin’?” If someone ever sent me that I would very swiftly un-match. Is the most cliché phrase from the second worst character on the worst TV show ever really the first impression you want to make? I would hope not.
Finally, there’s strike three—the most popular Tinder anthems. For those lucky enough to have avoided the abyss of internet dating, Tinder Anthems are songs you display on your profile that are meant to indicate your cultural taste (or lack thereof). Somehow, the late XXXTentacion, a musician whose career was defined by allegations of domestic violence and assault, has multiple songs in the top 10. I just can’t.
So next time you have the urge to tell someone there are plenty of fish in the sea, just…don’t. Because the way I see it, those fish are pretty rotten. And apparently, love Friends.