March 08, 2020 at 03:00PM by CWC
I have breasts that look like Christmas morning, and I intend to keep it that way. I don’t say that exclusively out of vanity, they’re just an objectively good set. Two huge wins for the genetic lottery: A+ (or DD+, whatever). So when I developed a Christmas tree rash (oh, the irony) this winter, I knew that a boob mask wouldn’t just do the trick. A full-scale boob-care routine was necessary to get me back into tit-top shape.
Let me just address the two screaming thoughts in your mind before I get into what a boob-care routine entails. Through the magic of targeted Instagram ads, I stumbled upon Anese Calm Your Tits Nourishing Boob Mask ($34) and knew this is what I was missing my entire life. I already knew about the existence of butt masks, but since my décolletage is way more public facing than my rear—like I’m not wearing assless chaps to work, you know?—this seemed actually practical.
Then, I got the Christmas tree rash or pityriasis rosea. To quickly paint a grotesque picture, a Christmas tree rash is a random affliction that focuses on the trunk of the body. We’re talking your entire torso, tummy, back, and (sob!) breasts. I spent January in a deep turtleneck-y hell since, per my dermatologist, this dermatitis primarily just fades away with time.
Needless to say, my boob-care routine wasn’t created so much to treat the condition as it was to give the girls some TLC after a seriously brutal winter. “This area is incredibly sensitive because the skin is thinner than other areas of the body such as the back, abdomen, and legs,” says Rachel Nazarian, MD, board-certified dermatologist with New York City’s Schweiger Dermatology. So let’s get right to how this all went down, shall we?
I settled on a three-part routine. I’d start off with the Those Boobies Tho Boob Scrub ($29) and whoa, I adore this thing. A sharp contrast to my clunky full body sugar scrub, this fine grain exfoliator includes ingredients like Ecuadorian ivory palm seeds, jojoba seed wax and orange peel oil for a mood-boosting citrusy scent. Once I was well exfoliated, I moved on to the mask, which was less my speed than the scrub. While the green tea-spiked elixir smelled great and was enjoyable to smooth on, it would smear over everything I owned and take a full 20-plus minutes to dry.
Washing off the mask is also a full-time job; you have these slippery orbs just caked in product, and at least one towel gets sacrificed in the process of cleansing them. By the time I topped off with my Cetaphil Daily Hydrating Lotion with Hyaluronic Acid ($12), I felt exhausted.
Well, after my test drive I have some thoughts. I’m going to start by saying that unless you have my particularly specific strain of breast narcissism or a décolletage issues, you probably don’t need to go full boob-care routine. The scrub is very impactful on its own, and the mask, while a lovely sometimes-treat, can be kind of a chore if you’re doing it three nights a week. Really, all you need is to carry your moisturizer down below the chin to help keep that area nice and moisturized. And then, you know, tits up.